The heartache of being a mom

So if any of you have noticed I haven't been blogging much lately.  I am going to rededicate myself to blogging every day.  I have been asking myself lately why I don't feel like blogging.  I have come to the realization that I have been in a lot of pain lately and have felt my emotions a little to raw to blog.  Because I like to keep things honest and just say it like it is I haven't felt like putting it all out there in blogger land.

But I have also realized that I love to blog and it is very therapeutic for me.  This is very much like a journal to me.  I want to be able to come back to this spring 2011 in 30 years and see how it felt to be a mom of 2 teenage girls because I know in 30 years I won't remember how it felt day in and day.

I also am afraid that if I blog about how I am feeling I will get phone calls and people wanting to talk to me about what is going on and giving me their advice, sympathy and questioning me as a parent.  And to tell you the truth I just don't want to deal with that right now. 

So as I begin to share my experiences over the last little while please know that I don't really want to hear it from any of you.  This is my blog and if you want to be supportive just don't tell me all the things I am doing wrong as a parent but just know that I am some times barely hanging on.

A little while ago Emma decided that she didn't want to go to high school any more.  She wanted to get her GED.  This has been going on for some time now.  She has been wearing Scott and I down.  We finally agreed to give her our support.  We can plainly see that Emma has made the choice to give up on high school.  Sometimes we have to live with the choices we make and Scott and I understand that this choice can effect her future greatly if she chooses to let it.  Or she can do what she says and now move on to community college and move forward with the life she wants.  Time will tell.

This actually isn't even the upsetting part to me.  A month ago, yes,  I would say this was upsetting to me.  But now Emma no longer wants to live in Rochester with us.  She will be moving to Utah in the fall to live with her Grandparents and start school.  This has caused a fair share of heartache in our household.  I am not ready to let her go, but I must.  Scott and I can see how unhappy she is living here in Rochester.  It is effecting her and the rest of our family greatly!  We have come to an agreement to allow her to leave at the end of the summer.  This was compromise.  She was going to leave at the end of the month but I have convinced her to stay through the summer. 

This has been breaking my heart to think about Emma leaving.  I am not prepared to let another one of my kids move out and live away from me.  This is one of the hardest parts if motherhood I think.  I love my kids so much and it is so hard to see them leave and move on with their lives and grow up.  I want my kids to be around me always.  I know that is not practical, or what Heavenly Father has in mind for his children.  He lets us go so we can grow and learn from our mistakes and failures.  As parents we much trust that our children can make wise decision and make good choices in the process of living.  I can't always be there to protect my kids I must have faith that Emma will grow from her choices and that she will become who she wants to be and that she can be happy in the process of finding out who that is. 

I am grateful for my parents who let me go at an early age so I could grow.