A Change

I have changed my settings on the blog so no one can read it.  I am the only one allowed to read it.  A couple of days ago Scott was a bit upset about what I am blogging about.  (We have had this argument before and he told me he just wasn't going to read my blog any more because it upset him, but he has been reading it occasionally still) 

I love to blog.  It is very therapeutic for me.  It is more like a journal to me then anything else but because "people" read it I hold back on my feelings and even subjects I would like to write about so I won't offend or say inappropriate things that could be hurtful to my family.

I am now going to be journaling "blogging" for myself only.  I didn't blog before for others entertainment, I did it for myself so I really don't have a problem changing my settings to this private setting.

I will blog some more later....right now I am going to kick out Elle's friends who told me they would leave by 9:30 this morning and it is already almost 11:30.  I also am going to go make some banana bread to send to Tanner and give to some visiting teaching sisters.

I am grateful for my home.

To Tweak or not Tweak that is the question

I think I need to have my medication tweaked a little.  I have been having a lot of anxiety lately and just feeling blue.  I want it to go away.  I don't feel very motivated right now.  I don't like to get dressed for the day and go out.  I don't like to answer the phone.  I don't like to do anything actually.

I feel anxiety because of this.  When I don't do anything.  Because I know I should be doing something.

 Yesterday I got in the shower and got dressed including hair done and make up on because I needed to go do some errands including taking Sandy to the vet and doing a visiting teaching appointment.  When Scott got home from work he made a comment about how nice I looked.  He asked me how it felt to actually get dressed that day.  It surprised me.  I hadn't realized that I have gotten so lazy about doing anything with myself lately but it is so true.  Many people here in MN just don't worry about the way they look. The mentality is different, it is more important to be warm and feel comfortable then to look good.  I feel very comfortable going out in public in Rochester without makeup on or even my hair done.  I never felt that way in NM or especially in Utah most women wouldn't be caught dead without their full mask of makeup on in public.

But I don't think it is because I live in MN that I am feeling this high level of anxiety or depression.  (Well maybe it is because it could be seasonal)  I just don't want to do anything, except eat!  I am going to call my Dr. today.  It has been nice having this chat with you.  Sometimes it helps me so much to put all this in writing and allows me to see what I need to do to make things better.

I am grateful for dreams.  I had one last night about a person in my ward and when I woke up I realized what I needed to do for a visiting teaching route that I have had a hard time with.

Happy Monday

Monday morning.

I am once again watching all the flurry of activity going on in my back yard.  The birds are busy doing their mating dances (I think).  It still looks brown outside.  There is no new green color out there but I feel hope that soon my back yard will be transformed into a beautiful green mixed in there with many other spring colors (I am not sure what colors will pop up since we have not lived in this house through spring yet it shall be a surprise!) 

So I registered to be a member of a support group for missionary moms this weekend.  This has been the most exciting thing I have done for a long time.  I have already been in contact with 2 moms who have sons serving in Boston one of which is a Cambodian speaking elder!!  And one mom who lives in a Cambodian speaking ward in Boston (there are only two magnet wards who host Cambodian missionaries)  So I found out from one of the moms that Tanners p-day is on Mondays!!  Which happens to be today!!  My favorite day of the week just switched from Tuesdays to Mondays :) 

It is spring break.  We were going to go to Utah today but Emma couldn't get the time off of work.  I think I am going to take her at the end of April or first week of May over her birthday.  She is still dead set on living with her Grandma.  We need to get out to Utah to have the opportunity to talk to some schools and let Emma see what life really is like in Grantsville UT.  (Not that exciting for a 17 year old, but she will have to learn that for herself I guess)

I am grateful for tender mercies of Heavenly Father.  It is a tender mercy that I have made contact with some mom's of Boston missionaries.

Life in a nutshell

I am sitting here looking out my big window at the snow that is melting.  The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day.  My mood is pretty good as I was able to work through some anxiety that I was feeling this morning.  I think when I keep busy my anxiety lessens.  So this is turning out to be a pretty good day.  Getting lots done around the house.  Spending time with Elle and helping her stay on task with school.

 Emma has started working full time.  This is a good thing.  It is getting her up and out of bed by 9:00am and she is gone all day.  She comes home at night and still has some energy until about 9 or 10 pm and then crashes.  This is really a good thing for Emma.  Emma seems happier since she got her drivers license a couple of weeks ago.  I have been letting her take the car to do things with her sister and friends and I think she really feels good about that. 

Elle has started to refocus herself with school.  She started to get really lax with things and I am not allowing it any more.  I have decided to stop committing myself to all the obligations outside my home helping others when it is Elle who needs my help.  She does better just by me being in the room with her and reminding her that she shouldn't be on any kpop sites until her work is done.

So things are good today!  I am happy.

I am grateful for the sunshine today.

Missionary phone call

I only have a few minutes today.  I wanted to report on how awful my phone call with Tanner went.  He was very late calling me.  I actually didn't think I was going to get a phone call because it was so late.  He told me he would call between 11:30 and 12:30 and so when 1:10 finally rolled around I was suprised when he did call.  He immediately told me that he only had 7 minutes to talk because the flight was late and he needed to catch the connecting flight ot Boston.  The second he told me he only had minutes  I lost it.  I was so emotional already because of my night before that I just couldn't hold back.  I just cried and cried.  I finally got control and aksed him a few questions before I broke down again and handed the phone to Elle to say good bye.  This was harder for me to talk to him on the phone then it was to put him on the airplane to Utah in Janurary.  I think it would actually been better for me to not have gotten the phone call then to sob like a baby when he was on the phone.  He handled it very well.  He sound wonderful.  He was happy and so excited to finally get to Boston!

I am fine today.  If he had called me today I know I would not have cried.  Isn't it horrible that he called on the one day of the year that I am a mental mess?  Oh I wish I could have a do over! 

I am grateful for Elle she makes me laugh!

Hope

I already have a headache and it is only 8:15am.  Last night the missionaries came over.  They come over every week and teach my family.  Why you ask?  Well they are suppose to teach less active families and we fit the definition of a less active family.  The girls don't participate in activities very much, and often don't go to church.  So by definition we are a part active family. 

When the missionaries asked if they could come teach each week I thought why not, it certainly can't hurt and it might even help the girls (and Scott and I for that matter).  Last nights session was a doozie.  Emma refused to pray and got up and walk right out of the room and Elle was well....Elle in her best form (which is not saying much!).  Scott was cracking jokes that actually were not nice towards me!  I just sat there and started crying. (I don't know why but I just couldn't hold it back) I think he was shocked to see me cry and he didn't know what to do and oh it was a mess!  Right there in front of the missionaries.  So now the truth is out...the Greer's are not perfect and it is really hard to try to do what is right and endure well. 

Yesterdays blog was about not being perfect. The Greer's were the perfect model of imperfection last night.  I can relate to everyone who comes to me and tells me they are just not perfect enough, this is my reality too! 

I know that the gospel is perfect but people aren't.  If I only had to do it for myself and didn't worry about my family I think I would be less frustrated.  But when you have a family and you want your family to make the right choices and when they don't it becomes so hard and it is easy to just give up. 

When Tanner was around it was a little bit easier.  He was always very supportive of family prayer, family home evening and even family scripture study (I would have it in the morning with the three kids before we started school) but now he is gone I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.  The girls hate doing it.  Scott is kind of supportive but he never takes the initiative.  Some days I feel like I am trying to move mountains and I just can't do it.  I feel badly because I spend time helping others and I can't seem to help my own family.

So as you can see I am kind of in a sad state of mind right now.  I don't want to be sad when Tanner calls today.  It is going to make me miss him so much when I hear his voice.  I hope I don't cry.  I don't want him worried about me.  I need to get my act together.

All families have really bad moments.  I love my family so much.  I love Scott.  He is a wonderful husband and he usually 99% of the time is very considerate of my feelings.  Elle is so fun to be around, she has so much compassion.  Emma is sweet and is always willing to serve without complaint.  Last night was just one of those nights that happen to take place in front of the missionaries and now in front of all of you because I am sharing this story. 

I feel better.  I am going to pick myself up this morning and try again to be a good mom today.  I am going to keep trying to influence my family for the better.  I am going to never give up that is just what Satan wants me to do.  I may have trying moments but that is just what they are...moments.

I am grateful for Hope.  I do have hope in all things and I know nothing is impossible through Jesus Christ.

Very, Very Far from Perfect, that is ME!

It feels like a Wednesday to me.  But I am posting this on a Tuesday afternoon.  I am sorry I wasn't able to blog yesterday.  My life was crazy.  Remember last week when I was kind of bored and had lots of down time to read, watch movies, and just relax....well not this week.  I have been busy with my calling and other things that seem to take up lots of time.

I am grateful that I was born into the family that I was born into.  It has been such a blessing in my life to have a semi functional family unit!!!  I say that in the nicest way.  There is one thing that I always knew but has been shown to me in a more personal way through my life experiences and now with my rs president calling.  But there is no such thing as the "perfect family"  we are striving to be more like our Savior who is perfect but we are not perfect no one is and actually we are all very far from it.  It is a blessing to know that we all have struggles and we shouldn't compare ourselves with the person sitting next to us or anyone else for that matter.  We have been given different sets of challenges, talents, and experiences to help us become more like our Savior.  

I also want to report that Scott accepted a new job!  He is going to be a regional sales director for the western region of a company called Davidson Hotels.  He gets to work remotely (from home) and will be traveling about 3 nights a week, 3 weeks a month.  We are planning to continue to live in Rochester.  There has been some confusion because Emma is going to be moving to Utah at the end of the summer to live with her grandparents but  right now the Greer's (which will consist of Scott, Krystine, and Elle, boy we are getting small!) are staying put.

But this does create some new situations for us.  With a job change and  Emma preparing to leave I feel a bit of stress in my life.  I am grateful for my family and friends who support me in my times of stress and help make my life joyful.  What would life be without these wonderful connections we make with people who enrich our lives and help us through the rough times? 

The best news of today is...I get to talk to Tanner tomorrow!  I am so excited!  Wouldn't you be?  How about if you tell me what makes you excited!  I think my only two replies will be from  Allison and Michelle :)

I am grateful for all the groceries I was able to buy today to help my food storage grow!  I also am grateful for a prophet who teaches us that food storage is important.

Letting Go

It is very hard to let go.  I am struggling with the idea of Emma driving herself and Elle around.  Emma has found new freedom in getting her drivers license but it is very difficult.  It is much different even compared with how I felt when Tanner got his license.  He is a boy.  I knew that if something happened the world would see him differently then they do a 17 year old girl.  I use to get mad that my parents didn't treat my older brother and I the same.  I wanted equal treatment.  But until this week I didn't quite understand why my parents were so protective of me and not my brother when it came to driving privileges. 

But Emma needs to build her confidence and I am going to trust her judgements.  As much as it kills me I will let Emma spread her wings and fly.

I am grateful for Emma, she is teaching me a lot as a person and parent this year!

I Love Harry Potter!

I hope to be more motivated tomorrow.  I have been reading Harry Potter The Deathly Hollows the last few days and I can become very immersed in a book if I allow myself. 

Today's weather has been kind of blah.  Gray, rainyish, but a bit on the warm side (for MN).  I hope that the sun begins to peak itself through the clouds some time today.

I am going to send my camera to Tanner in the mail tomorrow.  That means I will be camera less until I can get Scott to buy me the camera I really, really want.   Elle and I want to take some photography classes and so we have begun to put the obvious hints into his ear!  Maybe I will get my wish for Mothers Day!

Life is great.  Emma has begun working full time and Elle and I are hanging out more.  Sometimes I think about getting a job but that thought goes in and out of my head very quickly.  Sometimes I am so busy with my calling and other times it is really, really slow.  Good thing I have a great book to read during those slow times!

I am grateful for Scott.  He works so hard so I can sit home and read!

Good News for the Greers!

Great news.....Emma got her drivers license!!!!  She drove herself to seminary this morning while I heard her quietly go out the door and then I wonderfully feel back to sleep!  Oh I love it :)

Emma was very, very nervous for her test.  She kept insisting that she was going to fail.  I told her that she was ready and I had every confidence in her that she would pass.  After all if her brother Tanner can pass she should have no problems!!  When she came back after the test drive she looked like she was ready to burst into tears for a split second I thought she was going to tell me she did in fact fail.  But I think it was just a look of HUGE relief because she rushed into my arms and told me she passed!!

We got our weekly letter from Tanner yesterday.  He is doing great.  He leaves for Boston in one week, next Wed.  He is allowed to call me on the phone when he is at the airport.  I am really excited for that.  So PLEASE no phone calls next Wed. afternoon, I will be speaking with Elder Greer!

I am grateful for good memories like the look on Emma's face yesterday :)